CutCopyPaste: May 2011

Monday 30 May 2011

Murphy's laws on girls

Murphy's laws on girls : too
good...

1. If u think a girl is beautiful,
she'll always have a boyfriend
to confirm that

2. the nicer she is...the quicker u
will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse
the looks...

4. "95% of the girls in this world
are beautiful. Remaining 5%
would always be in your
company.".................100% true

5. The guy standing next to a
beautiful girl can never be her
brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you
like , likes you too, she will
let you know in about 10 years
from now ,when you are
committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl,
the more she'll want to be
friends
with you.

8. Theory of relativity...... The more u run towards a hot
chick....the more she goes away
from u...

9. Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone...
just when you are about to let
her know about your
feelings...she will spot a long
lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)

Corollary to rule 1:
The more desperate you are to
tell your feelings to a girl on a
private chat, the more
probability the long lost friend
she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in
everything
9:1 Axiom 1:
The more dedicated you are to
the girl, the longer it takes
before things work out, but
ultimately it will (some smile
for the guys)

10. the day the chick you really
like comes and speaks to you
will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your
teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day

11. all the good girls are either
nuns or married .the rest go
around with u and ruin ur
money,health and leave u a
total wreck.

12. the more seriously u like a
girl...the more seriously her dad
will hate u

13. the love you shower a girl
with is directly proportional to
the number of bullets her dad
will be showering at you.

To kya baat hai

Kitabo k panne palat ke sochte
hai,
Yu palat jae zindgi to kya baat
hai,

Tamanna jo puri ho khwabo me,
Haqikat ban jae to kya baat hai,

Kuch log matlab ke lie dhundte
hai muje,
Bin matlab koi aye to kya baat
hai,

Katal kar ke to sab le jayenge
dil mera,
Koi baato se le jaye to kya baat
hai,

Jo sharifo ki sharaft me baat na
ho,
Ek sharabi keh jaye to kya bat
hai,

Zinda rehne tak to khushi dunga
sabko,
Kisiko meri maut pe khushi mil
jaye to kya baat hai.......

How To kill Lion

Cognizant Method:
hire a lion... ask him to stay for
late nights but give him no
work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again
and again. hire 100 more lions but do not
increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more....... and
more .......
TCS method: hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and
pay him government salary
lion dies of hunger and
frustration
IBM's metbod: hire a lion, give him a pink slip
in an hour ...
he dies of unemployment...
Syntel Method:-
Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once
he reaches onsite and
make sure that he never
reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a
Lion.... MBT method:
hire the lion, make him take 14
tests and tell him that if he
doesn't
score 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain? i-Flex method:
hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him
he is a lion, send him in African
safari
for implementing flexcube in
god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes
alive he will get band
movement (promotion)
holy cow dies in fear of the real
lion
COSL Method: hire a lion .
tell him to merge with Goats
(polaris) and reduce his
allowance...
lion dies from fear that
tommorrow he might become a goat....
Polaris Method :
hire ..sorry....purchase a lion
(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of
9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM ) cut down his allowance
(coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming
CAT.....
Patni method:
hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....
Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........!!!!
Accenture Method:
Hire a lion....
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a
long time Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and
Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other
languages speaking ppl other
than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a
Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is
Tiger or lion......
HUAWEI Method: Hire a Cat; give him a salary of
a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even
on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die
THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST
INFOSYS METHOD:
HIRE A LION.....
SEND HIM FOR TRAINING IN
MYSORE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE
........................ ...... .....................KIN G OF THE
JUNGLE! J
MAKE HIM TAKE GENERIC
COMPREE EXAM
........................ ....................LION
TURNS INTO CAT MAKE HIM TAKE STREAM
COMPREE EXAM
........................ ........................ ..
CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE
SEND HIM INTO PRODUCTION
WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WID HE LEARNED IN TRNG
........................ ..................MOUSE
RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR
HELP!!!
SEND HIM MAILS TELLING
ABOUT MANDATORY CERTIFICATIONS
........................ ........................
MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE...

A Professional Love Letter. A Valentine Day Tribute

Dear Ms Priyanka,
I am very happy to inform you
that I have fallen in Love with
you since the 14th of October
(Sunday).
With reference to the meeting
held between us on the 27th of
July at 1500 hrs, I would like to
present myself as a prospective
lover.

Kind Regards,
Karthik
Recruitment

The reply...

Dear Mr Karthik,

Our love affair would be on
probation for a period of three
months and depending on
compatibility, would be made
permanent. Of course, upon
completion of probation, there
will be continuous on the job
training and performance
appraisal schemes leading up to
promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for
coffee and entertainment would
initially be shared equally
between us. Later, based on your
performance, I might take up a
larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded
enough to be taken care of, on
your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond
within 30 days of receiving this
letter, failing which, this offer
would be canceled without
further notice and I shall be
considering someone else. I
would appreciate if you could
forward this letter to any other
refernce if you do not wish to
take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Priyanka
HR Executive

Happy Valentine Day

Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece , Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom.

     One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, " Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students? "

     " Wait a moment ", Socrates replied, " Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

     " Triple Filter ? "

     " That's right ", Socrates continued, " Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true? "

     " No ", the man said, " Actually I just heard about it and..."

     " Alright ", said Socrates, " So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter - the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good ? "

     " No, on the contrary...."

     " So ", Socrates continued, " You want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain if it's true ? "

     The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

     Socrates continued, " You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me ? "

     " No, not really..."

     " Well ", concluded Socrates, " If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all ? "

     The man was defeated and ashamed.

     This is the reason why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

     Next time someone starts to spread gossip, think of this !  ;)

Bengali Minds.

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Debdas Banerjee an Indian (Bengali ) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room.
Debdas says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'.

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Debdas says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room.
Debdas says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Debdas says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said

'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Debdas turns to the other candidate and says 'Ki cholchhe dada. Kemon achho.' The other candidate answers ' bhalo achhi bhai'.

Bengali's rocks....

Newton in romantic mood

Universal law:
==============

“Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, it can only be transfered from 1 girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money . “

1st law:

“A boy in love with a girl, continues to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continues to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
breaks the legs of the boy.“

2nd law:

“The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is the same as increment or decrement of the
bank balnce. “

3rd law:

“The force applied while proposing a girl by a guy is equal & opposite
to the force applied by the girl while proposing a guy."

When hindi teacher speaks English

* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class ( meaning AFTER the class) when I am empty
(meaning when he is FREE).
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....

About his family :

* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

At the ground :

* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.

To a boy, angrily :
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

Giving a punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)

Sir at his best :
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theater, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theater"

* To a beautiful girl who is trying to make excuses for coming in late
" What is this ? Yesterday you were lying with the principal and today you are trying to lie with me"

* To a boy telling him to summon a girl "Hey boy, Call girl !"

* Telling a student to put a picture on the wall before an exhibition "Boy, hang that picture on the wall or I will hang MYSELF "

* Student : " Sir, would you mind if I sit in the back of the class. "
Prof. Bihari : " No, No! ... I have no mind . "

Brilliant Answer

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's

raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see

three people waiting for a bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is ab! out to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that

there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.
.......
......
....
...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually u! sed as part of

a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and

thus you should save her first;

* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,

and this would be the perfect chance to ! pay him back.

* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?

.........
........
......

He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady

to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the

partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought

limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

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